"Isn't this what you wanted?"

Shoveling Out in and worst Winter in 25 years!

Immigrating is hard work. Harder than you might think. There's nothing easy about it. And there's an emotional weight to it that is unexpected. If you haven't immigrated across the world with your family, not much money and no work lined up, you probably won't understand. And people don't, they don't get it and they get impatient with you. I've noticed it, I know Maryann has too, people seem to think "OK, you've moved, that part is over, you have a house, you got furniture, you finally got a job... so what the hell are you complaining about?! Isn't this what you wanted?" - Yes, it is, but...

The first couple of months here were extremely difficult, and it was all we could do to hang onto our sanity and not breakdown and scream and shout everyday! Not being able to find work, being rejected daily, and running out of money were our main concerns, and the wore on us. From day one we weren't able to relax. We missed our home in Ireland, The kids were all out of whack. Evelyn especially, she didn't know what was going on and she was acting up for a long time. She went back a full year on her potty training. And if you potty trained a toddler, to the point where they're fully trained and going by themselves, to go back a full year is extremely frustrating. I think for Evelyn it was the one thing she was in control of, she could determine that part of her fate, and in the midst of all this change, that she didn't have a say in, she was hanging onto that. (She's come around since by the way!)

Suddenly we didn't have family around, or friends, or something we didn't expect to miss so much, a community. We didn't have friends popping over daily, we were able to just walk to the shops and we never bumped into anyone we knew. Back home, you walk out you door to the shop and you meet five people you know. I failed to see it while there, but so much about living in Ireland is the pop-over and the stop-and-chat! We lost that here and we really really miss it!

The first night alot of Maryann's friends popped around to say hi, drop off food, furniture, bedding! It was a hot late summers evening, we were tired, jetlagged and emotional, but it was great, it felt like a welcome. The house hadn't been lived in for a while and smelled of stale smoke. That night we all slept on the floor, poorly! Felt a lot like camping! The kids were up and down all night, finally waking at 5am. Jetlag and kids do not go together well! We were glad to have a house, excited at the size of our back garden, that Georgie our dog loved, but daunted with the task ahead.

Maryann's parents drove cross country with a u-haul full of furniture and gifts for us, which was amazing and a brilliant help. That first week we truly would have been lost without them. They helped us get settled in and get the house set up and looking like a house. We had some lovely evenings with good food, samples of crafts beers and long held wine gifted by distant friends, it was nice.


After that Maryann's friend Claire held a party to welcome us, a lot of people showed up and bought a huge amount of gifts for us, items for the house, food, wine, towels, gift cards, vouchers, the level of generosity was truly overwhelming! Our car was over flowing!!! Oh yes, and our car, borrowed from the sister of a friend for a month until we found our own car. People were incredible. We felt welcomed. Excited.

But after a couple of weeks everyone when back to the lives and we went on with the job search. And as the weeks crawled by and the money began to run out we became worried, desperate, frantic. I met with a lot of time-wasters, advertising for work, but for some reason, not hiring! People who said they'd call, but never did. I was being ignored a lot and rejected a lot. It was incredibly frustrating. And disheartening. Maryann started work at Starbucks, which meant we had some money coming in, but nowhere near enough. People were still helping, making suggestions, emailing on our behalf, making introductions, but nothing was panning out.

During this time we felt quite isolated. We missed our friends and family back home, we missed the community. I don't drive (I'm currently learning), Indianapolis is quite spread out and there is nothing within walking distance from our house, no shopping areas, no businesses, it's mainly neighbourhoods, so I was stuck at home with the kids all day. That became hard. I started feeling trapped. I didn't see many people. Spent a lot of time chatting to my brother, who was doing an internship in California.

I felt as though my identity was slipping away. It was a strange feeling. At home I knew where I was, who I was. I was a filmmaker, that's what I did, and with my contacts and the relationships I had built up over the years, I could do that. If I wanted to make a film I could usually rally a troupe, get some press and raise some money. And when it was all done, people would come and see the finished product they had helped make it. But I couldn't do that here. I had arrived to a blank slate and faced reinventing myself, perhaps in a way I didn't really want to.

That was a struggle. But one I had to face. After all, this move was not all about me. It was about our family. In the tough times, when it look bleak and as if it wasn't going to work out, my first thought was always to pack up and go back to Ireland. But me second thought reminded me of why we left, the fact that we were struggling, living hand to mouth, in near poverty, and if anything came up, like a busted washing machine or an exploding cooker, we were unprepared and it would set us back for weeks. Something as simple as a household problem was devastating to us.

It's easy to look back with rose tinted glasses, but that fact is, we moved for a very good reason. We were broke, poor, and in the five years since Maryann immigrated for the first time, and this stupid recession hit, we were getting nowhere. And if ever we felt like we were getting somewhere our government would make some cut, of introduce and new charge and we would be back to square one. Rose tinted glasses off, looking back, no matter how much we miss Ireland, I do believe this was a better move for our family. There are more opportunites here in America, but no one is going to hand you a golden ticket. You have to work for it.

So, things got worse. We were feeling more isolated. People were back to their lives, and I think assuming we'd been here long enough that things were fine and we were just getting on with our lives too. But we weren't. We were in a sinking boat. And mostly people were rowing by, oblivious. But I'm not blaming, or bitter, people have their own lives to live, this was ours, and right then, it was bloody hard!

We came to December's rent. It was all the money we had left, we could pay a bill or two, and afford some food, but no more. We had already decided that Christmas was off the table. We thought we might be able to afford a small fake tree and one or two pressies for the kids, but nothing for ourselves. We had also started talking about leaving Indianapolis. We would have to pack up the house again and leaving the week after Christmas. Our two options were to go back to Ireland (which wasn't really an option, because we had no money) or move to Montana and see if Maryann's parents would take us in while we got on our feet again. Neither of which we wanted to do. We wanted to make it work. We wanted make a go of it for ourselves. We did not want to fail after how hard it was to get here, and all we'd been through.

The next day, literally, I got a call to come in for an interview that night. I went along got the job. It was that quick. And HUGE relief, as you can imagine. It meant we could stay. That there would be a wage coming in. We could have Christmas! We went out the next day and bought a tree. We couldn't afford it, but there would be a wage coming soon, we could catch up, finally!

I started that Monday. Working as a night supervisor in a grocery distribution warehouse. The hours, days and weeks would be long. But worth it in the end. We could have a family Christmas. But come Christmas Maryann got food posioning the night before Christmas eve, which left her sick all christmas. I was drafted to work 6 days over New Years. So although we could afford it, it was marred somewhat.

My weeks of work since have been hard. Busy time of year for food distribution, I've been work 6 day weeks, this week 7 days, and my agreed upon 50 hours a week has never been less than 70, and more. And I haven't had the same days off since I started, so it makes it hard to plan anything. So it has effected our family life greatly. Maryann is exhausted, she has the kids all the time, and sleeps a lot less these days, which seems to be effecting her health. Not to mention the fact that the worst winter in 25 years has just hit Indiana! With feet of snow, -36˚F wind chill, power outages, broken down cars in flooded car-parks - Sometimes it seems like even when we catch a break we can't catch a break!

But we'll get there. That I believe. It's been hard, and may get harder still, but we'll get there. We wanted to move here, for a very long time. And to that end I would like to point out that I have nothing against America! You may think I do, what with all my complaining! I've always worn my heart on my digital sleeve, and mostly it's with tongue firmly in cheek, which I think some people miss. But I love America. I do. It's why I wanted to move here. I grew up on American culture, American TV, music, movies, sport and culture. I had a baseball league in my street when I was 12 for crying out loud! No one knew what baseball was! The thing I wanted most as a kid was a baseball bat and mitt. One of my earliest dreams, before, or maybe just after I wanted to make movies, was to be a long distant truck driver here in the States! Something about the open road and the wide open spaces seemed very romantic to me. I've been coming here since 1998 and always enjoyed my trips and loved my stays and the experiences, the wholly American experiences I've had.

So when I moan try to remember it's not an America thing, it's an immigration thing. It's not this culture, or these people, I like this place and the people who are from here. It's leaving my home, being uprooted, leaving friends and family behind, handing the keys back on my grandmothers house, seeing my daughter sitting in the window and saying to herself, "Nana's taking a long time to come," it's that I don't like.  Oh, and snow!

So if you haven't been through it, please don't judge to harshly. Immigration is hard. In every way imaginable. But I do believe it will get easier. And we can relax again. Enjoy life again. And get back to working on our dreams again. Maybe then you can pop over, or stop and chat.

Even in the coldest Winters, there is beauty. We just have to look for it.